8 months

Yesterday marked 8 months since I got to kiss your nose, study your features and say hello and goodbye. It felt different from 7 months, it didn't ache as badly, it feels more numb. It's hard to explain, I think I was soo sure that getting pregnant again would be easy, because you were such a quick blessing, I was darn sure that I'd be at least 4 or 5 months by your 7 month birthday but, I wasn't and am not and to realize now that fertility is more of an issue than we ever thought was possible. I think that realization has made me numb for the moment. Numb and sad and angry but mostly numb, I think letting go of my expectations of being pregnant by your first birthday or sooner are being given up. I should know better than to plan ahead and have expectations, I know In my  heart we will give you siblings but right now it is a constant battle to keep my head above water. I know pregnancy will NEVER make the pain go away, it can't and I don't want it to, because that would mean you Never happened and I am soo thankful and feel so blessed I had 37 weeks and 2 days with you. You are soo loved sweet boy. I am In a weird place and think it's why I finally decided I could write about it. I'm going to continue to take it one day at a time. And never completely loose hope, but today was one of those hopeless days, although it is Thanksgiving Monday and I know have a lot to be thankful for it hurt so much to see your little cousins. I just kept trying to picture what it would have felt like with you there, my hopes and dreams from this time last year feel shattered. I know I need to pick up the pieces and get my positivity and hope back but these "firsts" feel impossible but, your dad and I survived. Just for today I will be sad, spiteful, grumpy and envious. Tomorrow I will be back to a positive state I hope, because with sunrise comes a new day, loving you and missing you bud! Gosh I can only imagine what you are like at 8 months old!