Christmas.fertility.grief.missingyou.waiting

My mind, body and heart are exhausted! Grief is exhausting, it's life altering, it's a constant realization that life is always going to be bittersweet. Christmas is creeping up, and I'm doing everything I can to try to stay positive and thankful about it, but the constant talk about Christmas, the family pictures in the mail of happy, complete families, pulls on my heart strings, just thinking about what our first Christmas card as a family would have looked liked. These firsts, these occasions that remind you how long they've been gone, they make things soo raw, they make me feel like I can't take a deep breath. I can't help but let my mind wander back to last year and the sheer excitement, the pure anticipation that in only a few months, we would meet our perfect baby! We dreamed of how Christmas 2013 would be, we would have a 10 month old busy baby, who would try to stand, jibber jabber and giggle and give smiles, he would probably test us, see what made us say "no." He would have us wrapped around his little finger. I ache to know how he looks, I smile at the thought of how utterly cute and at the same time unbelievably handsome he is. We've recently been given some tough hard to swallow news, although we easily got pregnant with our sweet boy, this time around might be more of a struggle, I refuse to consider the label the have given me, "secondary infertility" I am not infertile. I will not put that out to the universe and I truly believe God has already given me all that I pray for, now it's my job to receive it, I know in my heart there's something that's standing in the way, whether that's something a naturopath can help me with, opening my mind to an amazing book like "the secret" or maybe we will have to go the fertility clinic route( and hey, maybe we will get those twins I've always wanted and dreamed about);) whatever my path may be, I know that I can handle it, because I have an incredible husband and support system. I truly think my biggest struggles right now are and maybe I need to get past all of them are the firsts and the anxiety that comes with them, the raw hurt that comes along with them. I don't do well with the patience thing, waiting! I just struggle and wrestle with it and the constant reminder that time brings. I'm stuck between two worlds, grieving our little man, and aching so unbelievably bad for another life to be growing inside me, to come home with us, to have in our arms. At the same time Christmas brings anxieties, it's also a magical time, this Christmas I wanna let my heart take me back to that place, a place of innocence, trust and faith, I wanna believe that good things will truly come, and that special guy Santa could maybe bring us some peace, joy and a miracle. 

Mornings

I wake up and lay here in the morning, completely thankful for my warm bed, cozy house and two dogs on either side of me. But getting out of bed and embarrassing a new day, another day without you is always the hardest part. The quality of my sleep and the way my morning starts usually set the pace for whether it will be a really painful day or a day that I can hold my head high, talk about you without tears, and just be full of pride. Because Letley I am so proud of you, proud you are soo cute, proud you made us parents proud you are you. It never changes how much I wish you were here, but my overwhelming pride for you is always real. I pray that our tears won't come again for a while, I pray for good news from the doctors office and I pray for pride and
Not anger or bitterness today. Love you little man.

8 months

Yesterday marked 8 months since I got to kiss your nose, study your features and say hello and goodbye. It felt different from 7 months, it didn't ache as badly, it feels more numb. It's hard to explain, I think I was soo sure that getting pregnant again would be easy, because you were such a quick blessing, I was darn sure that I'd be at least 4 or 5 months by your 7 month birthday but, I wasn't and am not and to realize now that fertility is more of an issue than we ever thought was possible. I think that realization has made me numb for the moment. Numb and sad and angry but mostly numb, I think letting go of my expectations of being pregnant by your first birthday or sooner are being given up. I should know better than to plan ahead and have expectations, I know In my  heart we will give you siblings but right now it is a constant battle to keep my head above water. I know pregnancy will NEVER make the pain go away, it can't and I don't want it to, because that would mean you Never happened and I am soo thankful and feel so blessed I had 37 weeks and 2 days with you. You are soo loved sweet boy. I am In a weird place and think it's why I finally decided I could write about it. I'm going to continue to take it one day at a time. And never completely loose hope, but today was one of those hopeless days, although it is Thanksgiving Monday and I know have a lot to be thankful for it hurt so much to see your little cousins. I just kept trying to picture what it would have felt like with you there, my hopes and dreams from this time last year feel shattered. I know I need to pick up the pieces and get my positivity and hope back but these "firsts" feel impossible but, your dad and I survived. Just for today I will be sad, spiteful, grumpy and envious. Tomorrow I will be back to a positive state I hope, because with sunrise comes a new day, loving you and missing you bud! Gosh I can only imagine what you are like at 8 months old!