Christmas.fertility.grief.missingyou.waiting

My mind, body and heart are exhausted! Grief is exhausting, it's life altering, it's a constant realization that life is always going to be bittersweet. Christmas is creeping up, and I'm doing everything I can to try to stay positive and thankful about it, but the constant talk about Christmas, the family pictures in the mail of happy, complete families, pulls on my heart strings, just thinking about what our first Christmas card as a family would have looked liked. These firsts, these occasions that remind you how long they've been gone, they make things soo raw, they make me feel like I can't take a deep breath. I can't help but let my mind wander back to last year and the sheer excitement, the pure anticipation that in only a few months, we would meet our perfect baby! We dreamed of how Christmas 2013 would be, we would have a 10 month old busy baby, who would try to stand, jibber jabber and giggle and give smiles, he would probably test us, see what made us say "no." He would have us wrapped around his little finger. I ache to know how he looks, I smile at the thought of how utterly cute and at the same time unbelievably handsome he is. We've recently been given some tough hard to swallow news, although we easily got pregnant with our sweet boy, this time around might be more of a struggle, I refuse to consider the label the have given me, "secondary infertility" I am not infertile. I will not put that out to the universe and I truly believe God has already given me all that I pray for, now it's my job to receive it, I know in my heart there's something that's standing in the way, whether that's something a naturopath can help me with, opening my mind to an amazing book like "the secret" or maybe we will have to go the fertility clinic route( and hey, maybe we will get those twins I've always wanted and dreamed about);) whatever my path may be, I know that I can handle it, because I have an incredible husband and support system. I truly think my biggest struggles right now are and maybe I need to get past all of them are the firsts and the anxiety that comes with them, the raw hurt that comes along with them. I don't do well with the patience thing, waiting! I just struggle and wrestle with it and the constant reminder that time brings. I'm stuck between two worlds, grieving our little man, and aching so unbelievably bad for another life to be growing inside me, to come home with us, to have in our arms. At the same time Christmas brings anxieties, it's also a magical time, this Christmas I wanna let my heart take me back to that place, a place of innocence, trust and faith, I wanna believe that good things will truly come, and that special guy Santa could maybe bring us some peace, joy and a miracle.